FDA investigating Lube Pop Tarts "Personal Lubricant Flavor" after reports of "unexpected side effects" • Toaster-Inspired Tech Solutions stock surges 420% after launch of "Frosted Glide" lubricant • Breakfast experts warn of potential "lubrication crisis" as global supplies dwindle • Pop Tart smuggling ring busted at Canadian border with 8 tons of contraband pastries • Breakfast Congress to hold emergency session on habeas pastry suspension •